Sunday, May 29, 2016

Blue Since That Day

Lately, I've been feeling that my level of happiness seems to come down. Then I took a seat in front of my laptop, in the silent night, tried to figure out through this writing about what I really feel and why. 

I couldn't deny that I still feel the pain of a failed relationship that brings me to another great suffering- which is unavoidable. Like the other episodes I've ever been through, I know it will take time to fully enjoy my life again and restore my happy soul. 

Frankly, I put too much hopes in the past relationship. I would say, this ghost of hopes kill me softly. I couldn't control the euphoria of falling in love. And when it came to an end, it's just like... I was building a castle of sand, I put my whole heart and hope in making it, then suddenly the ocean waves washed them away. Fiuh.. 

But when I lose something that mattered to me, it's natural and important -yes! important!- to feel sad about it, right? right? riiiiight? I do believe that is an essential part of healing process. The bad thing that I still often feel is when I am entering my bedroom at night, switch on the light, then the horrible feeling is coming again and over again. I feel unhappy and emotional. The fear makes me more than anxious. Scary!

You know what? this feeling for me is even scarier than the feeling when I think about the suicide in the railway station that occurred a few days ago. 

(Take a deep breathe.. I don't know what I am going to write next)

This is affirmation for myself. I have to imagine the future door is widely open. I have to walk towards the door. I need to see beyond a world that I have to recover my heartbreaking relationship. I need to hang out with my female friends more often and make friends as wide as possible. 

I can not forecast what happen next but I affirm myself I will take it as lessons. Humans are meant to try their best but God decides. Yes, God always decides. 

We were in Ciwalk Bandung on Sunday for having lunch
Being sandwiched between a doctor and an engineer